being socially responsible

contrast title of this post to the pervious one. such irony!

today i paid (literally) a visit to this interesting doctor again. nice pun haha.

With internship and tuition demands, i've been keeping late nights. As usual, only a matter of time before my body breaks down.

given 2 days MC though i feel i only need a day. am told to stay at home to be "socially responsible". given the current H1N1 situation, even if i'm not H1N1 positive, i'd still infect people around me with other flu viruses that will cause them to have to stay home like me otherwise there'll be too many people with flu running around and it'll be difficult to single out H1N1 suspected cases. oh really? it works this way?

so anyway i welcome the rest.

but tmr is the date of my lecture that i've been preparing for. the first lecturing in my life. granted, i have given tutorials on lts, standing on podium before, but it's not the same! the mike, visualizer, ppt, and the sheer number of audience.

but i have to give it up. you know there are many unspoken things an intern has to tahan, and one of the things is the knowledge that they are not very important. more on that in the future, or maybe not. anyway, i'm given 2 days MC, my doc refuses to dispense just one day, so if i were to appear in school tmr, even if i pass the gate-check, my MC will reveal that i'm supposed to be home for 2 days, and hence prove my "social irresponsibility".

so i'm staying home tmr, giving up my lecture slot, and the days of research and work of collating the information and presenting them in ways that will be understood by the students. sent over all i've done, hopefully it helps the teacher taking over the lecture.

somehow, i feel defeated. this post is indirectly linked to the previous one. go figure.

for the record, i'm not running a fever. just some swollen tonsils and blocked nose. oh plus a very tired mind.

sweet= sugar rush. bitter= ??

It's been a long time since i sign in to msn hoping to see a particular person online. i've missed his presence in my life, yet sms-ing is too taxing. It's more like digging in an already-empty trench, less like playing with fire. No element of danger involved, just monotonous repetition. There are many push and pull factors; i push but i get pulled back, not by him but by other forces. I'm struggling. He will understand my struggle, if only i can get to him. But no, he's not online.

Some words are best left unsaid, while some others must be said. Then again, words, when too few, cause attempted conversations to fall flat in our faces. The resultant ouch factor is mandatory.

How to deal?

*

I woke up to the latest copy of CLEO on my sister's bed.
Spent an hour just browsing through the pages and realising how ill-informed i've been, lately. Okay lah to be fair i haven been very well-informed to begin with.

There are a couple of products i wanna lay my hands on, plus a couple of shops i would wanna step into. I sigh when i see my wardrobe. I'm sure you sigh when you see the occasional pictures of my outfit too. Major sighh.

So many things to do, to buy, to think about. Making lists could help, but as of now the numerous lists just confuse me further.

Anw, magazines nowadays can offer much more entertainment than in the past, because they direct you to many relevant websites. Each website can take up 15mins of your time. Capable.

*

I.need.my.dose.of.girlfriendship.

the minus-ed

The week has been nothing short of wonderful thus far, but deep down there is this nagging feeling that something dis-remembered is missing. I use dis-remembering because it's different from forgetting.

So what's missing? I wish i knew. Some part of me feels unfulfilled. It's difficult to push on without first finding out the missing link.

Sometimes i feel myself struggling. Struggling to keep sane, to be in control. Other times i struggle to let loose and just let everything take place naturally. Such a wimp i am.

But to speak of nature, what is natural? Yes or no, black or white? Thing is, what's right for the mind may not be what's right for the heart. And yet again, right-mind and right-heart are not completely mutually exclusive, just like wrong-mind and wrong-heart may not be too different.

I hope you're confused. Because i am.

Point of contention is me, myself.

the bf question

POST DELETED

random #14

How do i write about something without mentioning the background story? Heck, i'd just do it anyway.

I'd be writing about many things, all without backstories. Randomly sequenced.

*
If remembering is re-membering, then i never stopped membering memories of you and i, time and again. It's not difficult to forget at all, because forgetting is a conscious effort to remember to forget us. What am i saying. The only thing that's stopping me is pride.

*
My decisions and choices waver so much, sometimes i forget my original choice to begin with. In this instance, did i choose to be like that, or did i start out seeking to be the exact opposite only to waver and/or fail and be related to my current standing?

*
I've got so much to get done before next week but i'm just happy doing next-to-nothing. I get the company's things done and i teach tuition but that's about it. Oh and drive around aimlessly just thinking. hmm.

*Some relatives, i just wanna avoid for as long as i can. Which is, sadly, not very long.

*
I miss being me. How was i like in the past? Along the way, i seem to have lost myself. Now i'm not sure of what i want, even what i feel.

*
Some people are just so childish/iritating. If you know you will irritate me, don't talk to me. You'd just be testing my patience.

*
I cant decide if i should cab over to Powerhouse now, or just snuggle into bed. Tmr, Tues, Wed woooo okay i think i should sleep tonight.

*
I need to find time for my flu jab, for a haircut, dye the disgusting black roots, treatment, facial, pedicure, hmmm and grab the things i hafta buy. Sigh there goes my pay cheque.

*
This random post is numbered 14 solely because i've forgotten how many times i blogged like that. Let it be 14 lah.

motive

I drove my sister and her bf to his house because i feel like having the room to myself tonight.
From Bishan back to Woodlands, instead of going by SLE, i chose to go all the way straight.
I was lucky, no cars, no red lights. Green means GO!

Everytime i'm alone in the car, i think about things.
The car has become a place where i can gather my thoughts in solitude.

And tonight, i felt fleeting pangs of pain as my heart was delved into deeper and deeper.
Memories i never knew i had surfaced. Along with some emotions i never knew were still in me.

All i can say is, we're all just humans.

mere utterances = unreliable.

It's Friday. Finally. When i woke up this morning, i went TGIF !!!

lol. Some of you may notice that my posts for this week have been...impersonal. Thank you for the calls, msn, sms-es. I haven really had time to think through things myself, so i didn't say much.

Well, things are now status quo. But during the break today, a deep conversation with Joseph taught me the philosophy behind the whole ___ thing. Finally, i've gotten an answer. An answer to why things are liddat, how and why two people not mutually in love hold up a relationship like ours. Suddenly it all makes sense, suddenly i understand from the male's point of view. Brutally honest, i must say. But i'm game for it. Shan't elaborate though. The thesis is too controversial. BUT Joseph is wiseeeee. God knows why we got into a topic like that, but it really helped me. Guess it's pre-arranged by heaven!

I won't lie and say i had a happy week. Sure i was unhappy. Health...tsk too. I'm starting to rely strongly on ventolin again. Plus the headaches and what-nots. But it wasn't a bad week either. Work has been quite productive, and HL101 tutorial put forward an interesting theory.

*
Writing/Speaking = Mere utterances(unreliable) & Performative Statements (e.g I love you) = No referentiality(unreliable)

Hence, the narrative is unreliable as it stems from memory, which is based on (and from) writing/speaking.
In this case, we should never hold someone to their words, because promises have no referentiality.
Thus, we ought to be surprised if promises are fulfilled.
And more often than not, promises are fulfilled only in special occasions.
*

Rather logical, huh? It's kinda true...

Enjoy ur weekends!
Ima rest well for the battle next week!

i'm sorry.
u had sth to say
but i just cut u off.

dunno wad the hell i was thinking.
aww i'm so sorry.

heck it and fuck it.

okay this post might be vulgar, so switch off this window if u'd be offended.

it's pms. i hope.
i'm super duper antsy
my response to practically everything is
"fuck lah i don care".

i'm not sad or anything
and no nothing has happened or wadeva bullcrap
haha i just feel irritated by minor stuff which can be overlooked
aka magnify the insignificant stuff and kick up big fuss.

somehow i wished last night i had went clubbing with sharlot
haha mayb i'd feel better now
smoke. alcohol. dirty dancing.
wooo the DARK SIDE is fucking appealing.
speaking of tatts.
wah lao eh i wanna have fun!

but instead i chose to stay home like a fucking nun
just so i will understand my bloody lectures
and just so my assignments can be of quality.
it kinda worked luh, i squeezed info into my puny brain alr

i tot i'd just go sleep it off after i finish my work
i had nothing interesting to say to him
cus i do not lead an interesting life
he seemed so bored talking to me. wonder why he even bothers

leave me alone alright

yea just leave me alone.
i'm no longer vibrant and fun and colourful
but i have a fucking ego and i love myself too.

thank you and goodbye.
ohmyfuckinggodwhyismylifesoboringnow.

mighty?

//edit: post has been transferred to unabatedfear.

anklet

Today, i lost my anklet.
I lost my anklet today.
My anklet is lost today.

Anklet, any anklet, to me, signifies i'm loved. I dunno why. It reminds me tt ppl care, that my feet is firmly planted onto the ground. No matter who bought them for me. Alot, means alot to me. Since a long time ago, i'm nv without an anklet. I feel funny without mine now. Right. Do i hafta buy a new anklet for myself? hmmm. tt's like so sad. like i'm caring for myself. totally loses the meaning, defeats the purpose. grrrrrrr. wadeva.. i need a new anklet. i feel lost without one. the sense of lost is worst den err, quarelling with old friend. Which is overwhleming. :(

I know it's silly. But it's me. Anklets signify care and concern from friends. Any friend. awwww my left ankle feels so bare.

I love anklets.
I lost my anklet.

Emo

don't tell me now.
i don't wanna know.
not now, maybe never ever.

so take back your words,
i'll pretend i haven heard a thing.

the time's past,
the chance's lost,
it's all wasted.
you know, like rubbish in refuse chutes.

recycle bin? no way.
I don't drink Newater.

don't assume you know me,
cus you definitely don't.

i don't even know myself now.

-

Someone ever said, i can recall...

"when you're already at rock bottom, the only way is up."

Yeah. I certainly hope so.

I'm losing it. Tears well up instantly, anywhere. It gets difficult to see that direction i'm heading towards. Or am i even moving at all? I keep saying nothing is bothering me at all, i just feel down. Nothing concrete, nothing tangible. Or perhaps, just perhaps, it's just me denying its very existence.

I need to find back that zest for life. The wide smile i've always had.

I appluad blogging. blogging really helps. I found a way to make myself feel better already. Let's hope it works.

Life's like that ain't it. Yeapp.

I think i need time alone.

MerryGoRound. MaryGoesDown.

Today, old friend told me this.

"coz u already haf so little time for me... If u're attached i can forget abt it liao..."

We were talking about how guys would not wanna lol woo me because i'm too much of a challenge so they will just treat me as a 'brother'. He says he feels the same way, that i'm not unattractive but i'm too daunting. Tsk. I retorted that in this case I need a confident guy, only a confident guy won't be afraid to challenge me. and oh, confident guys are so charming. :D

But so far i haven met one yet. He was like "hmm... good..." TSK! and his reason? The line above.

That led us to the most tiring topic on earth. One that both of us have seeked answers for so many times but failed. And we din't come to a conclusion, as usual. I have a simple one that will do both of us good. He doesnt seem to agree. He just keeps saying i don't understand what's in his mind. But if that's not what he wanted then why break all we had, why force me to learn how to draw lines last year?

This is like, i dunno. Why can't we just remain normal good friends? Because we are almost always implicitly asking each other the sacred question : What will happen if either one of us is attached to someone else. I used to ponder over this too. The one day the answer just came. Easy. We have to let go. Since we're never gonna be together as a couple, at some points of our lives we need to let go, not totally but at least space out. I know i'm hurting him. But someday we both will have to realise it's true. If he's the one attached, I'd have to let go too. And wish him luck.

Clarification. No one is getting attached now. It's just the topic popped up.

Closies, check out unabatedfear please.

Bu(4) Xi(1) Han(4)

I planned to only blog here agian after my trip. But awww something happened and i must come here and rant.

Uncle's unhappy about the Shanghai trip tomorrow. Wrong, he's actually furious. He said if i choose to go, then he will not pay my university fees for me. I thought about it, hell, it's a better deal then what i've been having so far.

Think about it. Financial-wise, getting bank loans is no problem. And he can learn to stop using money to threaten me. i'm not threatened. Honestly if i can make it into a university, i have no worries about the fees. A few of you reading this may remember the last incident, when something similar happened (uncle unhappy abt daddy's stuff, kick up a bigg fuss, whole family lop-sided. rem?). yes that time he threatened to not pay my school fees too. Come on. i wanna shout into his face. Yiwen BU XI HAN can. so yes, better deal. No one can threaten me with anything.

He suck. Over time, i have already begun really seeing him as my dad. Of course i have my biological one, but honestly my biological dad (termed "daddy" here, for convenience) is not really my dad either. He was never really a father figure. Just a father err, in name. And by law. So i looked up on uncle as the father i never had. He earned my respect and yeah i kinda love him in my own way.

Things sure look rosy eh?

Uncle hates it when i contact Daddy. These years i have a hard time trying to pacify both sides and make things alright. think: hotdog in between bread. My choice of going for this trip made him really really angry. he said he feels he very kam gong to pay for me when i have a father who is supposed to pay for me. ha. I'm laughing out loud. and sniggering right here.

In return for paying for my tertiary education, he expects me to be his "daughter". First of all, i am supposed to cut off all contact with Daddy. I dunno, i feel that no matter how little daddy has done for me, even if i decide not to support him in future, he is still my biological dad. there are cousins and other aunts and uncles to consider. we don't just cut off contact like that. When uncle knew mommy, when he started to look upon me as a "daughter", he knows that i have a daddy who is still alive. Sure, i don't deny the fact that i love uncle more then Daddy but that's beside the point now. Love when given, can be retrieved, in such cases. I am me, i have my commitments and obligations, if he cant accept them, then sorry.

I'm glad he's not paying now. I'd gladly look up banks for bank loans. Simply because i don't wanna be uncle's puppet. I'm not siding Daddy. I'm taking neither sides. Both sides do not appeal to me. I lived without a father figure all these years, I am alright without a father.

Uncle says he loves me. So he says. he doenst love me, he just wants a convenient daughter-puppet. If he really does, would he do this? Ask mommy to convey the message that he doesnt wanna pay for my fees and ask me to ask my own Daddy to pay since i wanna go shanghai find my daddy. We all know daddy very well. he will not pay. At most the first month, after that he would just keep quiet and i have to solve the problem myself. No thanks. I support my own education. Uncle knows it's gonna happen. He did it anyway. You call it love? My ass.

No one is allowed to threaten me and expect me to be filial to them. No thanks. I was born with a backbone.

I cant help but snigger. I'm so stupid, why did i even bother. He's nv gonna earn my respect ever again. I gave him the key to one of my private doors, he threw it away. That's it. Door's locked. He's out.

I'm still going, i will embrace Shanghai with even wider, open-er arms. Now the doubts and guilt are gone, he killed my love for him. Fron now onwards, he's just my mom's partner. fullstop. My shoulders are finally unburdened. Wee! Shanghai! :D

Of bottlenecks.

How many bottlenecks must one go through in his/her entire course of life?



Indefinite answer right? It really depends. Which is unfair. Since a literal bottle has only ONE bottleneck. But humans are not bottles. Tsk.



Can i say that a tiny part of me is in doldrums but another part isn't? I don't know how to describe it.