Parent(s)

I thought alot today. Asked myself whether i've been happy. The answer is no. It's the family thing. I realise i'm living for them, not myself. I try to please everybody in the family, even if it's against my wishes. I visit Daddy even if i don't really feel like it. I go out of my way to please Mommy. Ugh. I'm so sick of myself.

Why, why do i do that? Simple. Because i'm trying hard to make up for lost time. The time i've been so deprived of when i was young. I look at my friend's families. I see the way parents treat their child. I don't understand why my life's so warped. So i try, i try to get them to treat me the way i want them to- to dote on me. Try and try. I do succeed. But it's too difficult a life to keep up with.

Finally, today i understood. No matter how hard i try, i cant change things the way they are. They are just "this" kind of parents. Hell, even if things could be changed, i should stop wasting my time either. I'm already 19. Such an exciting life awaiting me. I'm gonna embrace it man. University life is gonna be so good i cant put in words. I hope.

And they try to hold me back. With threats. They said they will get used to be not being home and "forget about me". I know mommy will. She's that kinda person whom u need to flutter around her everyday if you want her to remember you. Of course, from time to time, there were some minor financial threats too. And err, the threats worked. Until today.

If she forgets me, so be it. I'd rather live my own life the way i want it, than compromise it just so i can be remembered by her. It's too tiring and chi(1) li(4) bu(4) tao(2) hao(3). If she has the heart, i believe she will. If she doesn't, well i'm kinda used to it anyway. I grew up without her anyway. She can stop the financial threats soon too, because I decided to be somewhat financially independent. I recognize that i'm different from many of my friends. I'd pay for stuffs myself. I can work part-time or something. Threats ain't gonna work anymore because I'd rather be less rich personally than be at her beck and call. Choice and dignity are above monetary wealth, anytime.

As for my dad... Well. He has never played a major role in my nineteen years of life before. So, this ain't gonna change. I cant forget the way i felt when we went shopping after he came back from Shanghai. I chose an anklet from Perlini's Silver, $9. He stood beside me, watched me open my wallet and just smiled at me. Haha. how...useless. It's not the money. It's the way he behaves as a DAD. He has never paid for anything much for me. School fees, allowance, dream on. Fine if he's not working. But he holds a job in Shanghai now. A mere 9 dollars! And he even had the cheek to ask for a present jokingly. I dunno. I really don't see it as a joke. Maybe that's why i chose to work on the eve on his flight back go Shanghai, rather then go visit him with my sister. I don't hate him. I never will. He hasn't done anything vindictive. I just...find him inadequate as a father. He has never done anything father-ly, to my knowledge. Oh well.

Having said all that i did above, i really dunno how i'm gonns be filial and take care of them both when they are older. Don't even remind me. I'm not unfilial. I love my grandma and i'm filial to her. But my parents. hmm. Maybe in the depths of my heart i feel that haven done much to earn my love and respect, and of course filial piety.

But i'm glad i went through the think-tank today. I clearer in my direction.

p.s- cousins reading this are to be sworn to secrecy ahh. nothing should be revealed to any of your parents. Thnak you very much. :)