His memory teaches me about him

Hi all.

It's completely insane of me to let my fingers fly on my keyboard here, cus i ought to be rushing out my stupid PA essay which is long overdue. PA rocks, but yiwen sucks. You get the drift.

I just wanted to say...

It's cathartic. Seeing __ in sch, stumbling upon __'s blog, seeing his photos with __, reading her thoughts about their relationship, feeling the all-too-familiar ache inside me again... It started with questioning myself: why do i still feel the pang? There must be a reason to everything. I got it... But nope, i'm not gonna share it here.

But the reminder of what has ever happened, makes me proceed on with my present life with greater caution. I make my decisions...hmmm.. let' s just say.. differently.

In the previous relationship, i hoped for too little when we had too much. I ended up with nothin at all. Just the image of his back, everytime i see him around in sch. Oh plus a few silly co-incidences at town, when i fervently avoided his gaze and was determined to walk as far away as i possibly can give the limited space of the shopping mall. Right now, he is history. err yeah despite the fact tt i still feel the fucking pang when i look at his recent picture. hmms. i still have his letters, his little gifts, but i'd throw them away soon. Hmmm. He told me not to leave, but he walked out on me soon after. No, i don't blame/hate him. It's silly. It's over. Just because. And he's happily attached to __ now. I'm happy for him. He loves her. the way i used to love him.

Right now.. in a somewhat similar but different fashion, i'm facing these dilemmas again. But i play the opposite character now. The infamous disappearing acts, the persent-he terms. If the person who is left alone there feels the loss and hurt, what about other party who chooses to walk away, despite all the love and ache? We often see on one-side. What about the other? Can we all see the pain on his/her side too? I used to be this ignorant too. But now i can. I see why the he whom 3 years ago taught me how to truly love, chose to walk out on me. Cus it's the same way as why i wanna walk out on him now. Not with irresponsibility, but with love. Obviously though, we all know there are many diff kinds of love. but love, nevertheless.

I'd be lying if i say i'm not afraid. So pls don't promise me anything. I don wanna grow to expect the fulfillment of the promise, cus i do not look forward to the possible disappointment. Let good things, if they were to happen, just happen on their own. i don't need promises. After all, the only 2 of them who managed pull my heartstrings so damn much, have both hmmmm...disappointed me greatly. 1 of them is history. The other is still present despite everything. Right now i just wanna preserve this friendship. The other stuffs don't matter anymore. Even though it was and is difficult, we've made it so far. I just hope we have enuff in us to go further, many more miles. I hope. But who knows, one day i might decide i'm too tired to walk anymore. Or he may. But as of now, yes, i hope we still have wad it takes to sustain our friendship. just the friendship. it's not a plea, but a wish. No matter wad happens, i just hope our hearts will nv be too full for each other's friendship.

I have visited __'s blog twice. His __. haha. and i will nv go back again. Because i know how it feels like to have poeple, possibly strangers even, reading and keeping tabs on your inner thoughts, den leaving silently with the knowledge. I respect him, and __. The same way i stopped reading ***'s blog since some time ago.

I'm wishin the best for him, him and myself. and everyone else.
God bless.
(: